I believe we’re bigger than small talk.
It happens to all of us, but honestly, few things drive me as crazy as small talk. Yesterday it hit me a little harder. After a solid week of rain, (and a lot of personal chaos) I dragged myself to the parent pick-up line to meet my son outside his school. I wasn’t standing there for five seconds when the sweet grandfather in the baseball cap next to me wanted to discuss— what else? — the weather. Perhaps if the week had not already felt so draining, I would have been able to indulge him with artificial ease. Alas, I was in no such mood. So, I nodded politely, but declined to engage further. And as I collected my kiddo and we dashed for the car, I started thinking about why we settle for small talk in the first place— and can we (PLEASE) improve upon this societal staple?
I don’t hate talking to people, generally. We are after all, naturally social creatures and the connection forged through meaningful conversation can help us feel happier. But here's the thing— there often isn’t enough time to get into a deep discussion about the mysteries of the universe or the childhood traumas that shape who you are today. In most cases, you’re doing the awkward waiting dance for about five-to-ten minutes, and (in this example) you do have to appear somewhat sane to the other parents. Why, however, are we naturally inclined toward the same opening lines every time? If you’re not sincerely asking me how I’m doing to listen for a real answer, then don’t. There must be other greetings and openings for us to use in passive conversation that are a little less— painful? Mundane? Artificial? I know I must sound harsh, but honestly, at 38-years-old and with a whirlwind of traumatic experience filling just the last year alone, I realize that I just don’t have space— or energy— for the superficial. And so, I’ve spent more time than usual thinking of ways to eliminate it from my life whenever possible. And here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
The first thing I’m considering is how to be a better listener. If I’m going to engage with someone, it’s because I genuinely want to. Therefore, I should be actively absorbing what they’re sharing, not just plotting my response while I wait for their sentence to end. Thus, my greeting, or opening question, must be something that involves less of me and my own interests, and more of theirs. In my research, I found a really interesting alternative to the dreaded “Hey, how are you?” Instead, try “So what’s been keeping you busy lately?” I love this because it doesn’t necessarily incite a work-related answer, therefore the response can stimulate further getting-to-know-you topics. You’re also avoiding your own favorite subject matter, and therefore won’t be overly enthusiastic about injecting your opinions and thoughts. A great way to practice active listening!
Another tactic to keep a conversation going when it is my turn to respond is to actually consider my reply. We’ve been trained for most of our lives to give the standard “Fine, thanks, and you?” when asked how we’re doing. Instead, mention something that is happening to you currently. For example, I might reply with “I’m ahead of the game today! I updated my blog and finished a nonfiction piece I’m working on for submission- it made me feel productive!” I’m giving a reason and inviting further back and forth about our current moods and what we both accomplish throughout our respective days. This helps foster commonality and more of a bond. The next time I talk to this person, I’ll have a sturdier foundation to build from, and meaningful aspects of their lives to inquire about. It just helps the moments we spend in these situations feel much less contrived and awkward.
One last thing that generally works— as long as you’re sincere— is a compliment. If you like someone’s earrings, or coat, or shoes, tell them! A well-timed “I really like the color of your jacket, it reminds of the ocean,” or “The shape of your glasses is so cool! Where did you find those?” can open a dialogue that you can (more often than not) spin into a deeper discussion. And when it’s time to go, do so graciously. Of course, if you’re in our example scenario of picking up your kid from school, then you’ll have a natural out when they emerge from the building. In other situations, however, it might take a few steps. Usually, body language can be a good indicator that either party is prepared to bid farewell. When someone begins to turn their body a bit or takes a few steps back, it’s clear they (or you) need to depart. Offering some simple words of closure such as “It was so nice talking to you— enjoy the rest of your day!” or “Thank you so much for sharing; I hope the rest of the project turns out well. See you soon!” are warm ways to show your gratitude for that person having opened up to you, while giving either one of you a solid exit.
If by chance you master the art of “substantial” small talk and sense that you may have a budding new friendship on the horizon— make it happen! Extend the invite for coffee or lunch, or even a meet-up at the park with your kids. I met one of my closest friends this way, while chatting when our sons were in kindergarten together. I really liked her energy, and I wasn’t wrong. Almost four years later and she still hasn’t shaken me loose!
I’ll end with this beautiful quote I came across. “Small talk kills me. Teach me something. Tell me about your life experiences and the lessons you’ve learned. Discuss psychology and your spiritual journey. Give me depth and authenticity.” -Morgan Richard Olivier
I hope that we all find more time to dig a little deeper with each other when faced with the opportunity to share even just a few moments with someone unfamiliar. That’s exactly what we have in these instances: opportunity.
